CaliForNia LuV

Ohhhh the excitement! So ok OMG how many of you have had your head in the sand and have NOT been paying attention to what is going on in the financial world??? OMG! Hello! iHave!
So ok, when Lehman Brothers Holdings (LEH) announced that they were having problems who sold ALL their stock before RED Monday came? Oh fuckin yeah! I said it...iLuv hearing the advice on TV, "the stocks will go up, people just need to ride it out..."

Ummmm yeah, that sounds very wise, educated and....oh wait! Who's are we talking about here? Cuz my boys will come home if they see trouble on the front...they will not do the Bush thing and "hang around"...nope my dollars make cents! They know when to come back home. And when to recruit more friends ^_^

So, lucky me I did "OK" this month in the NYSE. Well enuf that when I land in LA, I'll have my luxury car and drive to the Ritz-Carlton. Pop a bottle of Bolli and sip. *aaaaaahhhhh.....tastes good!*. So this trip is going to be fun and hopefully bring some closure to this huge chunk of my heart. Ok, so Marlon and I had like stopped communicating for like a month...after 3 days of not hearing from him I was thinkin "Huh...ok, He'll call later"...3 days --> week...ummm, WTF? one week --> two weeks "Aight...fuck this nigga, I'm done!" Unbind, Unleash, Relinquish, Release..
week two --> week 3 listen to Allure & 112 all cried out....put myself through this misery and then it dawned on me. Fuck this! If I can't be happy with him...then I'll be happy without him. Week 4 - Listened to MJB - Just Fine. That weekend I got an e-mail from him. It was poetic but there was a line in there that upset me and no matter how I read it I can't see what "he meant"...: But some of us must suffer and sacrifice for our axis to continue on its natural cycle. Therefore, I sacrificed my connection to you knowing that I enjoyed your company, your conversations, your heart, and mostly your spirit

Now I'm reading this e-mail with tears down my eyes and I see this in there and thought. OMG! There it is...I'm free! I experienced release...the shackles were unleashed! So I didn't reply to the e-mail because I thought to myself....Huh..well if someone wants to suffer and sacrifice, who am I to interfere with that? So I got a txt 4 days later and was like, Ok lets get this over with. So I wasn't upset...I was cool n calm and called him up. Left a message with him to give me a buzz

So here's the deal...I can't put myself through that again. I want more than a friendship. I can't have a relationship where i'm 80/20 or 20/80. We talked a lot and in the end I told him that I wanted a serious relationship. If he was here in DC this wouldn't be an issue. We would be together and live happily ever after. This isn't the case...and I can't help but me.

I'm normally an optimistic person and smile a lot. But I'm not going to lie...I think this trip to Cali is going be just what I need. A dose of reality. When the trip is over with I will go home alone. So I'm telling you guys before I tell him that this is how it is. I have to withdrawl my offer. If he decides to move to VA, and I'm not involved with anyone we can start dating and see where it goes. We'll see what happens...I was gonna fly in at night and do dinner with him. This left me with an unpleasant feeling of depending on him. Now here is some hypocracy for you...I told him to trust me, that I would not let him fall....Yet i have this feeling of unsecurity...uncertainty going there...and if something freaks me out or pisses me off I need to depend on me. I've got to depend on me. Would I like to think that if I close my eyes and fall he would catch me? Of course, duh! But I feel that I put more of an effort than he does. I mean he knows that when he is in VA he has a place to stay. I don't get that vibe with him. This trip will help me understand if I'm wrong....BODY LANGUAGE!

I'm not gonna go blinded by love. I'm going to pay attention. And again most likely get closure. My cousin's bday is Friday so I'm gonna see what he wants to do. If I don't link up with Marlon on Friday that is totally cool! I wanna go to CityWalk anyways! LOL! Hope you guys have a fantastic weekend! I WILL! LA! TOMMY BURGERS!!! w00t w00t!!! Tacos off chevy chase! (Glendale, CaLi! u know wassssup!)