*BAM*...like a nail on the head. Ok I went to Cali with low expectations..left w/a cracked heart and found the axe to finish the job. So this is a lose/win situation. I said that if this relationship did not work out, I would walk out of it knowing I had the upper hand and gave it my all. I probably gave more than my all, but hey if you go out...go out in style B-)
So insecurity...I've actually read blogs, books and have been trying to understand myself. I read a little bit on cognitive behavior (egh...got bored), narcissism (OMG! Soooo me!) and finally insecurity (whoa! me too!). I laughed because I thought to myself...an insecure narcissist! What a fuckin oxymoron! LOL! Well not really...when one feels as though he may not be good enough for others, he must learn to love himself. And there is a healthy balance of love and when you cross that line, you become narcissistic.
I've taken small steps to overcome the brick wall of insecurity. My blog I use to exploit my vulnerabilities. I pour out my emotions. Growing up I didn't stick up for myself. I was bullied and got bullied as opposed to getting in fights. I played soccer when I was a kid, but wasn't great and because I did not feel (I may have received, but I didn't feel) encouragement I gave up. I choose not to participate in organized sports for the fear of rejection and failure.
A lack of teamwork and sportsmanship has built part of my personality. Still I find comfort in the true and good friends I am blessed with. Chris, Tiffany, Adam, LuLu, Will, Jen, Kristy, Cameron and BB. iLuv the acceptance that I get from you all and that you take me for what I am. Spoiled, Self-Centered, Impulsive, Thoughtless and Manipulative. ~LoL~ Ok, we should get into that.
So Cali is still beautiful. I flew in, spent time with my grandma...got myself some new shades B)and then checked into my Fab hotel. Met Marlon up for dinner and we had some good convo. It wasn't anything heavy but we both knew nothing would happen while we were both in different locations. Cooooool...No problem. So we ended the night and made plans to meet up tomorrow after he finished his laundry. Saturday morning I went on a hike while he was doin laundry and saw a sign that said "Watch out for bears". My eyes got wide and picked up a couple pine cones and headed back to the car. Yeaahhh...im not gettin fucked up by no bear! LOL!So I called him up after my journey and he was still doing laundry. No problemo, I'll link up with my cousins...when ur done we can do Universal City....couple hours pass and I told him not to rush, that I just hang with my cousins and we could link up tomorrow or something. So he apologized and said he'd try to finish up.
It was about 6ish and I was thinking...man, here I fly all the way from DC fo this nigga here to do laundry. Ok...I c, you know what...My best friend chris's mom is in town. I'd rather spend time with them...I'm catchin the early flight back. Fuck laundry man! I got important shit to do to! Fuck, I'll fly home early to clip my toe nails! So I txt'd him sayin i made it back to the hotel and was packin my bags to catch the early flight. Had some things in DC that needed to be taken care of.
Hmmm...that got his attention. So he didn't believe me for shit and was on his way over here. So he came and we had a nice long walk and talked. We talked about how i live in my world and don't put myself in other people's shoes, how impulsive I was to buy this ticket and show up two weeks later, how thoughtless I was because he was at his place cleaning up and cooking dinner for us tomorrow and what else...oh yes, how spoiled I am....(DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!) and my personal fav...how manipulative I am.
LOL! Ok Did i get sum tuff answers or what. Now if you've known me for 8 seconds or longer than u should know right off the muthfuckin bat that I am a muthfuckin spoiled princess! Yes GAWD DAMMIT! I spoil myself! I'm stayin at the Ritz-Carlton, and we're walking around streets of mansions....UM YES DUMBASS!!! I am spoiled! Ok, so no disagreement there...movin on! Thoughtless...I said that. After he said the dinner thing I said, wow...so I'm thoughtless! Interesting. Thanks! (He forgot smartass now that I'm thinkin about it...and sarcastic) but ok moving back to thoughtless. Ummmmm....ok let's see...I've flown to Cali 2X to see you, sent you flowers when you got a new apartment and left work when you gave me word you were in my area. Ok...ur turn! What do you got? I'm sure I'd love to hear this answer! It should be nothing short of enlightening! Impulsive. Yes....this is soo me. I see something and I go for it. I'll weight the pro's and con's later. This has bit me in the ass as many times as it has rewarded me. I'm sure people who think a lot about something can say the same about missing out on stuff.Living in my own world. I like this one...cause this is something that iDo acutally need to work on! I don't really put myself in other people's shoes and actually would like to work on that.Finally! You got something right and I'm willing to improve on that (but not for you, for myself). Last and again my favorite....Manipulative!
Wow! FuckIN WoW! You've got some gawd damn muthfuckin nerve! Wow! I'm smart...I'm clever, but manipulative. I would really like some examples.....PLZ o PLZ gimme sum examples!!! PLZZZZZ! Seriously! You said that I am always like two steps ahead of a situation. That is not manipulative, that is being clever...maybe even cunning! But manipulative! OMG! Mutherfucker! LoL! Shiittttty......shittttttttty choice of words (especially for a man with a vast vocab as yours)
So I let that melt in my head...we hung out sunday at Santa Monica, The Grove and then the observatory in Griffith Park. So he asked me what I wanted to do that day. I said that I wanted to go to his place and see where he lived. This was not just the icing on the cake..this sealed the enveloped, stamped it and addressed it 2 sumone who gave a fuck! He said "No, maybe next time". Then he asked if I was upset and I looked at him and said whatever. So he knows that when he's in VA that he has a key and place to stay. Why? Because that is what people who love each other do. Like I said...Icing on the cake. Like maybe next time I'll be on my best behavior to get a tour of the apartment....Nah, fuck you! Keep your lame ass apartment to yourself. So after the observatory I looked at my watch and was like hey I need to see my grandma before I leave. He was like "ooooh man! I wanted to show you this place real quick"...I witted back "Maybe next time" =)....GawD iLuv bein Qwik! LOL!
So once he parked I said I had an awesome weekend, thanks. He then talked about how we both saw some things about us and that now that we have a better understanding of our foundation we can build off of that. He said a lot of other things, but damned if my ADHD didn't get the best of me and tuned him out. I was actually thinking of the right thing to say...so when he ended with "You know what I mean?" I nodded and said "You know what...I'm glad I made this trip, because....I don't feel lost". We both hugged and I gave him a small kiss on his cheek. He said that he still loved me and a tear rolled down my eye because the next words out of my mouth in his ear was goodbye.
The plane ride home sucked...I definitely was feeling loss that trip home. However the day after! LOL! I woke up and linked this to insecurity!!! So now that I've learned and got closure from this situation, I will dust my shoulders off and keep my head up. For the feeling is not defeat.
M~ If you read my blogs, I want you to find the warrior you are looking for. I want you to find someone of the same ilk. Someone who doesn't care if you don't give him a card/call on his bday. Someone who doesn't care if you get back with them 3-4 days later you get a call from them. Someone who's not as emotional (and that's not a bad thing! You'll find him!).You're sexual chemistry is awesome, your besos *mmmmm*, you have deep, intellectual conversations, have a great job and an awesome physical appearance. You will find what you are looking for and when you find him...don't let him go. The feeling of love is what we talked about...it hurts, its fun...its CRAZY! And I just can't wait to feel it again =), be safe M ~*AdioS*~
