you gotta go through the weeds to get to the trees

Blah....Ok so today is gonna be a good day. My sis is having her wedding reception and even though I'm grateful to be here, I'm havin an L.Boogie moment (where you might win some but you just lost one).

I'd say one of my biggest challenges in life is dealing with my emotions without medication. I'm a mess...truly am. I don't know how to maintain relationships. I'm freakin lost. All I know is that I got two of my best friends living in Gainesville and they are my redwood trees as our friendship will do nothing but grow and grow. Maybe I need to ask them how we manifested and what keeps us together.

Couple days ago I went up to Canada wit my boi Tuffie. Had a great day n 1/2 there then something happened. He had to go back but couldn't really explain it to me. I see him SMS'n back and forth and come up with my own conclusion that something wasn't right at home and that issue had to be dealt with. A plether of thoughts came rolling in my head. How can he leave manana? I sacrificed my sister's reception for this? What the hell is going on here? Am I gettin dissed again? FFFFFFF! So I tried hitting the gym cause that seems to work....nuh uh.

Tried drinking and burning a fag. Nope! Finally I met up with another friend there and vented. I felt better but didn't know what to say. He wasn't saying anything to me, nor I to him. I finally spoke up in the car and asked if it was life & death why we were heading back. Medication. Ok...so if we had communicated this yesterday we both probably wouldn't be in an ignore status. Fair enough, our friendship is strong enough to handle this...*ahem* wrong! We didn't have a friendship tree...we had a weed that just died. Ended up gettin the email that HALAS! The road to friendship ends here. Wow...I thought we were having like a sibling rivalry where eventually we get over it and move on. I mean hell this two day trip was like a grand, but idgf it was wit my boi. Nevertheless it is what it is.

I'm disappointed by it, but it's not the end of the world. I grew up with little to no friends so this is not unfamiliar territory. Thanks for introducing and showing me DC. Thanks for laughing at the things I said even when they weren't all funny. Thanks for letting me crash when it was too late for me to drive. Thanks for caring for my drunk ass when I didn't know when to leave. And mostly, Thanks for being a part of my life. Gone but not forgotten babes, we move forward.

Besos Tuffie ~ mikey

Au Revoir Mammie!

Je t'aime beaucoup!

Mammie,

I miss you sooo much. As soon as I heard they were going to move you to the hospice I told my guys at work that I had to leave. Not soon after Jackie gave me the call with the two words I didn't want to hear, "She passed". I didn't show a lot of emotion when Grandpa and Rick died. But with you, my Mammie I broke down in tears. That was the hardest news I've ever dealt with to this day. I never cried like that before. You were the first one to see me born. We had our special cuddle time when I was young...you and grandpa were terrific! I spent a lot of summers with you growing up and of course who could forget the time we went cross country. Remember how I told you Old faithful was my favorite part of the trip? I think it was yours too! Then growing up I got to take you to Scotland for your 80th birthday! What a treat that was!

I loved and enjoyed that trip so much! We were on a budget but still made it work! And of course the last night we stayed at the hilton...and who got our room upgraded complimentary?!? ^_^
..you and your french accent!

I think of all the good times we had while I was growing up and how lucky I was to have a grandmother that cared and accepted me the way I am.

When I came out to the family about being gay everyone's first reaction was "Are you sure". I loved that you didn't say that and that your first words were "Well you can always adopt". That was the best thing anyone could've said.

Your LOVE, spirit and youthful energy will be missed. I'll even miss arguing politics with you! Something that was always taboo with us, but that didn't stop me! =)

I'm glad you were with me when I closed on the house and toasted just a small bit of champagne with me. Tomorrow I will buy a bottle of Roederer (what do you think? ;-D) and toast you to your new life with the love of your life, Grandpa. I will see you again and hopefully you & Grandpa will have a good bottle waiting for me ;)

I love you and miss you terribly! Also I took your favorite picture that you had next you. I know you'd want me to have it because our hearts were always N'sync. I love you (me more!)

~ Avec Beaucoup D'amour,
Michel