ahhhh where to jib n jab today

GOOD MORNING WORLD

It's february and I'm still on the red carpet waving away my 20s. 30s is gonna be all about self-improvement. I've taken the baby steps of owning who I am but there is something I haven't chipped away yet and I'm afraid to let it go.

MY IMAGe
Am I walking down the catwalk in jeans and a no name brand t-shirt or am I walking down in this fabulous outfit brought to you Nordstroms? It's hard to say but when I look back at my pics I didn't care what I wore and part of me thinks *UGH! Fashion victim!* what a mess! And the other part is like....that's real!
So I guess maybe a good thing to do would be compromise. Real friends will like you for being you. Be real with yourself and when you can accept that person you'll find this confidence n swag about you that will attract the right kind of guy who will be into you and not this image you work hard to portray

Single
This part has concerned me for a while. I hafta love myself fully before sharing this guy with someone else. My other issue is wanting what I can't have. Someone who wants to give themselves to me doesn't interest me yet oddly when I see a guy playing hard to get I play the role of throwin myself at them (not hardcore tho...i'm not dense). I'm not the guy that likes to hookup. I would honestly rather have something solid and real in life. I worked my butt off in life and would love nothing more than to have someone that compliments my personality to share it with. I have these male figures who have made impressions on my life and hurt me. And we all know the pain a heart goes through...imagine not having those feelings until you hit 27! I got sooo much catching up and maturing in this area to do. Marlon was the first man I ever intimately loved and had feelings for. I could still picture him as my superman. Darrell took the other piece of my heart and after reading my blogs and seeing how although I was rejected but still kept him for sex I can't blame him for my immature actions. I knew what I wanted, it wasn't available so I set out to hurt him like he hurt me. P!nk describes this situation PERFECTLY!!!

Four days of personnel hell of after saying I LOVE YOU to have nothing...no hug, no communication. Just family there to pick me up. He hurt the hell out of me...more so I hurt myself because I could not come to terms with reality. I've cut guys out of my life no problem...I thought I had lost that part of my personality but Marlon helped me find it when I cut him out of life (update - We talk, we're better friends now that I've accepted the reality of friendship. The feeling is that of a calm lake in a volcano lol! And I feel that the only person that can make this volcano erupt is me, so it takes a little bit of energy to focus on other things in life so that I don't go there). Back to Darrell and how mean and nasty I decided to be...for the pain the TRUE PAIN i went through for four days and missing my birthday I used the powers of manipulation and my mean side to basically bake a FUCK YOU cake. I showed excitement and commitment to being at his promotion ceremony and on the day it happened bailed out on that. That took care of the "not being there" / birthday issue. Last item...my broken heart. I can't break someone's heart who doesn't love me...so when I saw his ex of 10years at TOWN and he told me that I was with his man during the time they were together I had to pause. Here it was...in a pretty box and bow! Do I take the bait? Yes! The last item on the list...befriend the ex and tell him what he wanted to know. The ex used that information and it got back to him (months later but it hit). Dealing with an ex you may or may not have feelings, but dealing with an ex and hearing what you told what you thought was a good friend personal information was enough or as far as I was going to push for a jab at his heart. I made a promise that I would never go after his career and because I made that promise I kept it (and I'm glad I did! Karmas a bitch and I don't want that coming back to me).

Darrell - I've never EVER gone soo far or worked so hard to hurt someone. I now after writing it out and reading how immature, spiteful, vindictive I was feel remorse and am very and truly sorry from the bottom of my now unbroken heart....I'm leaving shit like this behind me...as part of my 20s. I didn't know how to let go..I'm there now. You deserved some of it for being an asshole but I was the bigger and meaner asshole and I need to find a different way to vent. Never in my life did I think I could truly "unlove" or maybe this too is a calm lake in a volcano. But in the end I'm sooo sorry papo and hope that if you can't forgive me that you accept my apology. I promise (and I keep those) that I will NEVER ever hurt you like that again. It's history and will remain that way.

These were the big ones in my life. M & D.

Reese has a piece of my heart now! And she is in a playful mood...time to end this blog, Dirty